Monday, January 13, 2014

On the loss of miscarriage

I have so much cleaning and laundry to do, I thought what the heck! I'll write on my blog instead! Queen of procrastination award goes to me.

 I wanted to write about something that has kind of become taboo or in some way unspeakable in most settings. The topic is that of miscarriage, a loss that often times is bore in silence. 
 I can definitely understand the desire to keep it private, it's a struggle enough to go through the motions without having other people knowing. But speaking as a pro-life mother, there's something really wonderful about the sharing of all babies conceived, even the ones lost so early on. 

  When a matter is not discussed or dealt with, often times it can leave a confusion of almost not having been "real." Miscarriage, make no mistake is very real. A baby is conceived, and a mother rejoices for her new gift of life within, and then suddenly the child is no longer with her. 

  I have been through miscarriage twice, both of mine fortunately happened very early on. I never heard the heartbeat, or felt a kick. But I still got to see the test turn positive, and if only for a short time dream about the day I'd meet my little person. 

 Both times we shared our news with family and close friends. And even though yes, it is hard when someone hadn't been updated on the loss of the baby, it wasn't pleasant to talk about and relive. I still have chose to share our baby news pretty early on each go round. Why you may wonder,when keeping it a secret could protect me from a lot of avoidable hurt. Well, two reasons, first I appreciate any and all prayers I can get for the baby, and I always have family and friends who I know pray for us. Second, because sharing about the baby from early on gives the child the dignity he deserves as a person. If I never spoke of the baby lost, it's almost as if he'd never been, only he was, even if only a short time. Sharing about all babies conceived serves as a testament of my prolife beliefs in a subtle way, it's a way to say, yes, I lost a child, not a mass of cells. I would never share loosing a mass of cells with anyone, why would anyone care?
 I am also comforted knowing that one day I will meet the babies in heaven, I'll have two little saints waiting for me. 

 I know quite a few mothers who have been through a miscarriage, and to these moms I wonder if you can commiserate with what I'm about to say? There are two things that people often say when they hear about a miscarriage, and in my experience both are neither helpful nor comforting. First, "Oh, don't worry! You can always try again!" Um, this was a pregnancy...not a cooking contest. Not helpful. Other not helpful thing is, " I'm so lucky to have never been through that! I'm not really worried about it ever happening to me, I'm very fertile!" .....yeah...This is not comforting the person who went through the loss, this is comforting to the person who while speaking assures themselves they need never worry. Anyway, just thought sharing this might could shed some light on what is not the right way to comfort a mother who's miscarried. 
 A post for another time will be on progesterone to help get through that first trimester with the Pope Paul the VI Institute. 


  1. Beautiful reflection. I suffered three miscarriages prior to my first successful pregnancy. It is a very isolating experience at first; however, through suffering, one becomes closer to God. The miscarriages "grounded" me. I no longer thought about how "cute" maternity clothes would be or "if I could lose the weight after pregnancy"; my thoughts instead turned to being a true mom: sacrificing for the life of the child. During my pregnancy with Grace, my thoughts were only on being a safe, healthy vessel for my little one! I'm so grateful that we both were blessed with healthy subsequent pregnancies, and we have little angels in heaven praying for us.

  2. Thanks for commenting Julie! Yes, I am ago grateful I have been able to have my three healthy children:)

  3. I'm sorry for your losses. I've also had an early miscarriage and it was really hard "untelling" everyone. Ever since then, we have generally not told people until about 10 weeks or so (after hearing hte heartbeat on the doppler) and I don't think it is necessarily "un-pro-life" to wait. I can understand both ways....the desire to keep things more private and the desire to tell people right away.

  4. I didn't mean that it's non-prolife to wait. I can definitely understand needing privacy. But for me I find it nice to share, but everyone handles life differently.

  5. The thing I hated hearing the most after our loss was "It was probably for the best anyways..." I had so many doctors say that to me and by the end it just made me want to rip peoples' heads off (mostly because apparently the baby had deformities and so the doctors saw it as better that way).

    I can totally understand why people do wait, but I would never be able to keep all that sorrow to myself, so we tend towards announcing it early... and also because I feel like at this point my stomach muscles just give up and start to look pregnant way too soon!

  6. Me too Cammie, I pop out so quick there's no way I can hide it for very long:)


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