Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Whining my way thru my vocation

 Forgive me in advance for all of the whining I'm about to whine. I don't even know if that sentence makes sense. But right now it's the best I can do. Because right now, in this moment, my brain feels like mush. 

Nothing exciting or out of the ordinary happened today, I didn't go anywhere. No trips to the ER, no visits to the public library where I have in the past been cornered by Johavah's Witnesses. Yet the way I feel, and the state that my house is in I feel like I need an excuse.

  A good friend recently shared with me the fact that being a mother requires dying to yourself. And that until we realize this and embrace it we may not truly be able to live our vocation with peace. Today was definitely a day that I resisted the "dying to myself." I resisted when my alarm went off at 7:00 am and all I could think about was sleeping more. I resisted when Lucy refused, and I mean refused adamantly to nap on her own and all I could do was complain. I resisted when I sat down to write a less whiny blog post but gave up due to a million interruptions from my unruly raggamuffins known as children. I resisted when I chose to chill on the couch with a cupcake rather than clean up the house. 
  Notice a pattern here? I keep resisting...Its like I've imagined in my head that I should be finding it easier to live out my vocation the more experience I get. I've likened motherhood to learning a skill, the more you practice the better you get...right? 
  In some ways my fantasy theory is true, we do learn thru experience. And experience brings calmness and confidence when it comes to mothering skills. However no matter how much I go thru with my kids my days often times still end with me in a state of total brain matter gone mush. 

  I usually blame my fatigue of vocation on everyone and everything...except the true culprit. Me. Recently I've been trying to think of the "dying to myself" phrase more often. Why is it so hard to accept? Why do I resist? Do other moms resist as stubbornly as I do? And what's the secret to living out this dying to oneself? 

  For now all I can do is pray, pray hard that God will give me the grace to become a less resistant mother. A mother that wakes up to "die" to herself all thru out the day instead of whine about her struggles. Oh well, I think that's enough whining; I know I'll regret this post later!

1 comment:

  1. Love this. I totally agree...its like a dance between dying to ourselves and complaining, dying, expressing ourselves etc. Love your blog!


Blogger Template By Designer Blogs